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<h3>We’re your independent daily online magazine.</h3>&gt;/center&gt;
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<h1>NASA Nears Completion of $80 Trillion Earth Sock</h1><strong>By
<span>Cathy Cam</span><time datetime=””2014-05-18””>May 18,
2014</time></strong>&gt;

<h2>Number of comments: 23 Number of social shares: 231</h2><img alt=
“”Picture” src=
“%E2%80%9Dhttp://1.bp.blogspot.com/_bPkR3dznkto/TQEopFbVkZI/AAAAAAAAAfU/ehqb6zA6OFc/s1600/sock.jpg”>

<p>Amid much fanfare, NASA officials unveiled the first satellite photos of
the nearly completed Earth Sock yesterday at Cape Canaveral. The mood among
attending scientists, who have spent the last quarter century working on
the project, was one of deep joy, as the result of the ambitious $80
trillion project was finally in sight.</p>

<p>The Sock will provide vital cushiony support in an attractive “crew”
style.</p>

<p>“The now-depleted world economies can rest assured that the $80 trillion
price tag will buy a lot of snug-fitting comfort and support,” Project
Earth Sock coordinator Noam Gekhend said.</p>

<p>Officials credit the Sock’s completion to the unprecedented
international cooperation the project inspired, including astronauts and
knitters from over 60 nations. Scores of sock construction teams, both
aground and in space, maneuvered fleets of Darning Convoys and Knitting
Shuttles in complex flying patterns to weave the freight-train-sized
strands of cotton fiber into the 90,000 mile-long Sock.</p>

<p>The Earth Sock is the largest man-made structure ever built, dwarfing
its nearest competitor, the Great Wall of China, by a factor of two
million. It is also cushiony and 100 percent cotton, which means it’s
breathable.</p>

<p>NASA scientists explained that the Earth Sock will provide the Earth
with much-needed protection against chafing and discomfort as the planet is
propelled around the sun at 1,800 miles per hour.</p>

<p>“Imagine walking 1,800 miles an hour in the minus 260-degree cold of
outer space without socks on,” Gekhend said. “To do so would be foolhardy.
This is what our planet must do every day. Finally, we have done something
to protect her.”</p>

<p>International support for the Sock has been overwhelming. “As a nation,
as a planet, we can all be very proud of this sock,” President Clinton
said. He and the leaders of all 178 nations on earth signed a world
resolution proclaiming the completion date, January 1, 1997, “Sock
Day.”</p>

<p>Singing sensation Neil Diamond has soared to the top of the adult
contemporary music charts with a tribute song to the Earth Sock: Earth Sock
/ Mighty Earth Sock! / You’re in outer space / With you we can win this
crazy race / And wherever you go / We will go with you / In our minds / In
our hearts / And in our dreams.</p>

<p>Despite the project’s widespread popularity, some naysayers fault the
Sock for being a meaningless make-work project that will devastate the
world economy and destroy its delicate ecosystems.</p>

<p>Another drawback of the Sock has been the obliteration of the Southern
Hemisphere, smothered under the enormous pressure of the snug-fitting sock.
The continents of Africa, Australia and South America now exist only in
white cotton relief, their citizens unable to stand up or breathe,
inexorably pushed downward by the enormous Earth Sock.</p>

<p>“My family and my farm, everything I had, was crushed under the Sock,”
said Pasqual Perquoyez, a Peruvian farmer. “Why was my country forced into
poverty to pay for this Sock?”</p>

<p>A lucky few, such as Perquoyez, have managed to squirm out of the Earth
Sock through periodic gaps in the breathable, double-knit fabric. But life
for such survivors is hard. Their world is an endless white cotton
hellscape, the ghostly shapes of buried cities, mountains and loved ones
underfoot.</p>

<p>“The destruction of the Southern Hemisphere was unfortunate,” Earth Sock
project coordinator Gekhend said. “But realize that the loss of half the
planet’s population is well offset by the Sock’s cushiony comfort and
attractive ‘crew’ style.”</p>

<p>Gekhend assured the world community that no nations of import were
smothered by the Earth Sock, only minor Southern Hemi-sphere countries like
Uruguay, Namibia and New Zealand.</p>

<p>Scientists also warn that the tip of the sock may come dangerously close
to the sun’s corona at the vernal equinox (when the earth is closest to the
sun), which may cause the dry fabric to catch ablaze.</p>

<p>“Such a fire would quickly engulf the sock and light up the entire
planet Earth like a roman candle in a matter of seconds, reducing every
plant, animal and mineral into white hot ash, and cause the planet to break
up into a fine dust and dissipate into outer space,” Gekhend said. “We’ll
know for sure by late February.”</p>

<p>Despite its staggering scale, the Earth Sock is only the beginning.</p>

<p>“It is merely a precursor to the Earth Shoe, which we will begin
constructing in 2002,” Gekhend said. Coordinators say the Shoe project will
commence once the Earth Sock is pulled up over the entire Earth surface,
allowing for an easy and comfortable fit in the shoe.</p>

<h2>Other top stories</h2>

<h1>Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News</h1><strong>By <span>Zoe
Clemence</span><time datetime=”””2014-05-17”””>May 18,
2014</time><strong>&gt;</strong></strong>

<h2><strong>Comments: 30/</strong></h2>

<h2><strong>Social Shares: 93</strong></h2><strong><img alt=”””Man” src=
http://o.onionstatic.com/images/23/23463/original/700.jpg?0790″></strong&gt;

<p><strong>Calling it a vital part of his daily routine, local man and
utterly depraved masochist Richard Petrillo revealed to reporters Friday
that he enjoys keeping up with the news.</strong></p>

<p><strong>The sick man, who confirmed that he makes a concerted effort to
follow all manner of current events, evidently derives pleasure from
torturing himself in this way, saying he likes to know as much as possible
about the world in which he lives.</strong></p>

<p><strong>“There’s a lot going on these days, and I like to stay on top of
things,” Petrillo said of his disturbing desire to follow news stories,
including those about the Middle East, the state of the U.S. economy, and
the recent activities of the National Security Agency. “With such a wealth
of knowledge at our fingertips, it just makes sense to keep abreast of the
latest developments.”</strong></p>

<p><strong>“It’s important to stay informed, you know?” the degenerate
continued while perusing a news website. “Oh, look, here’s an update on
what’s happening in Somalia.”</strong></p>

<p><strong>According to those close to Petrillo, the 36-year-old web
designer devotes several hours each week to this vile form of self-abuse.
He reportedly indulges his twisted obsession by seeking out news articles
and videos on everything from politics and international affairs to health
care and the environment—often multiple times a day.</strong></p>

<p><strong>In the past, sources said, Petrillo only gratified this
unsettling need for punishment in the privacy of his own home, where he
consults the internet, television, and various news magazines to find out
about the world’s most pressing issues. Now, however, he often engages in
his perverse behavior publicly, using a smartphone to see what’s currently
happening in Syria, Egypt, Greece, Russia, and even North
Korea.</strong></p>

<p><strong>“I follow a lot of major news outlets on Twitter so I can check
in throughout the day and catch all the updates,” said Petrillo, who
reportedly can’t go half an hour without reading the latest headlines, all
of which contain explicit details about what is actually happening in the
world at this moment, details that sources confirmed only a human being
with a sick, psychosexual enjoyment of pain and suffering could possibly
derive gratification from. “But on the other hand, I’ll sit in the evening
with a copy of The New Yorker and read an in-depth article on the situation
in Lebanon.”</strong></p>

<p><strong>“I guess you could say I’m a bit of a news junkie,” added the
individual who can apparently read about millions of displaced Syrians
before bed and still manage to sleep.</strong></p>

<p><strong>Petrillo went on to add that he enjoys spending his Sunday
mornings drinking coffee and reading the newspaper, presumably a horrifying
and painful act, yet also a “favorite weekend ritual” that the deviant man
seems to get off on.</strong></p>

<p><strong>Sources confirmed that Petrillo makes no effort whatsoever to
conceal his insatiable desire for self-inflicted torment, going so far as
to take pride in his familiarity with issues such as America’s distribution
of wealth, the latest jobs report, what’s happening in Congress recently,
and the nation’s current incarceration rate. In fact, he is reportedly not
content with simple masochism, and often spreads the anguish of his
knowledge to his fellow citizens.</strong></p>

<p><strong>“Whenever I come across an interesting article online, I like to
email it to my friends and try to get a conversation going,” said Petrillo,
his voice betraying no shame. “For example, a while back I sent around a
story about how hundreds of Rohingya Muslims have been [omitted for sake of
decency] by the Myanmar government. It’s really important stuff, but
there’s just not much awareness of the issue.”</strong></p>

<p><strong>“I love finding something like that and sharing it with people,”
the sicko added. “I really do.”</strong></p>

<h1>Area Man Collects All Four</h1><strong>By <span>Tayla
Bev</span></strong>&gt;

<h2>Comments: 98 Social Shares: 423</h2><img alt=”””Star” src=
http://cdn2.sbnation.com/entry_photo_images/8713495/star_wars_logo_640_large_verge_medium_landscape.jpg”&gt;

<p>After several weeks of eating at various Camden-area participating
Burger King restaurants, local resident Bert Gruhey has succeeded in
collecting all four Star Wars glasses, according to a report published
yesterday in the Wall Street Journal.</p>Bert Gruhey displays his
collection of Star Wars drinking glasses. The glasses were available for a
limited time only at participating Burger King restaurants.

<p></p>

<p>“I have collected all four,” Gruhey said. “I have Han, Luke, C-3P0, and
Lando. There are no more to collect.”</p>

<p>Burger King spokespeople were equally excited about Gruhey’s
accomplishment. “We are pleased Bert decided to collect all four,” says
Paul Collins, Burger King’s national director of promotions. “We have been
encouraging the collection of all four since this promotion began early
last month.” Collins added that the offer was, however, void where
prohibited.</p>

<p>The 20th anniversary Star Wars glasses, available for a limited time at
participating Burger King restaurants, were extremely desirable to Gruhey,
combining many of his interests.</p>

<p>“As someone who enjoys Star Wars, Burger King, collecting and quality,
dishwasher-safe glassware, I could not resist this offer,” he said.</p>

<p>Gruhey, owner of a small lawn-care business, acquired the glasses by
eating $2.99 Whopper Meal Deals for four consecutive weeks, picking up a
different glass each time. The glasses were also sold separately for 99
cents, an option Gruhey almost chose in week four, when the final glass,
depicting Han Solo firing his blaster at Storm-troopers, was offered.</p>

<p>“I was aware that no purchase was necessary and after three weeks of
Whoppers, I was in the mood to eat something else, like a Whaler,” Gruhey
said. “But I knew I couldn’t substitute the fish sandwich for the burger
and still get the glass free. So it was either get the Whaler and buy the
glass separately, or force myself to get the burger.”</p>

<p>But that was the least of Gruhey’s concerns. When he heard of the
promotion, he ran to Burger King immediately, as the advertisement clearly
stated that the offer was good only while supplies last.</p>

<p>“I knew at any moment supplies could run out,” Gruhey said. “There was
absolutely no room for slip-up.”</p>

<p>Disaster almost struck in week three, when Gruhey took a weekend trip to
Connecticut, one of two states in the U.S. not participating in the
offer.</p>

<p>“It was careless of me, because I knew the offer was good only at
participating Burger Kings,” he says.</p>

<p>When asked if he plans to use the glasses, Gru-hey said, “I haven’t even
thought a-bout that yet. What’s important to me right now is that I have
collected all four.”</p>

<p>Despite Gruhey’s reluctance to disclose his plans, most experts believe
he will use them when drinking refreshing, ice-cold beverages.</p>

<p>“These are tall, clear, attractive glasses, perfect for delicious,
carbonated beverages like Coke, Diet Coke and Mr. Pibb,” said John Lewis,
spokesperson for Coca-Cola, Inc. “Any of those would be excellent,
thirst-quenching choices to put in a quality glass such as this.”</p>

<p>According to experts, what makes each glass so desirable is its
exciting, colorful depiction of a scene from the 1977 George Lucas sci-fi
adventure classic Star Wars. Past promotions, like Hardees’s recent tie-in
with the animated film The Pagemaster, did not hold such a lucrative charm
for Gruhey.</p>

<p>But Burger King’s decision to celebrate the 1997 re-release of Star Wars
by giving away the limited-edition glassware generally met with
overwhelming enthusiasm from within the promotional glassware-collecting
community.</p>

<p>“It was a successful collection, in that I now have all four,” Gruhey
concluded. “When you think about it, there are no more for me to
collect.”</p>

<h1>’That Seems About Right,’ Says Soon-To-Be-Audited Man&lt;/2&gt;
<strong>By <span>Victor Deon</span></strong>&gt;</h1>

<p>While filling out a 1040 form and other documents Tuesday in preparation
for filing his 2012 federal tax returns, local man Robert Moran, a blog
writer who will shortly be audited by the Internal Revenue Service,
announced that his calculations seem to all add up fine.</p>

<p>“Well, I’m self-employed and work mostly from the kitchen, which takes
up about a third of my apartment, so that means I can deduct about $6,000
for rent plus all the repairs to the sink and refrigerator, and, yeah, that
seems more or less right,” reported the man who will soon be audited by the
IRS on suspicion of tax fraud and found to owe the federal government over
$14,000 in unpaid taxes in addition to interest and a 20 percent penalty
for disallowed deductions.</p>

<p>“Plus I had to buy a TV and a DVD player to watch all the shows I blog
about, which is another $1,500, and an iPhone that runs about $60 per
month. Good thing you’re allowed to write off these business expenses.”</p>

<p>At press time, Moran was telling himself that the IRS doesn’t look
closely at people like him.</p>

<h1>Walnuts Improve Area Chicken Salad</h1><strong>By<span>Rudy
Marvin</span><time datetime=”””2014-04-23″>April 23,
2014</time></strong>&gt;

<h2>Comments: 5 Social shares: 54</h2>

<p>The addition of walnuts significantly improved an area chicken salad
Monday, resulting in a more enjoyable taste experience for its eaters.</p>

<p>The salad, made by Gladys Peldsen for a dinner party, was described by
one guest as “markedly improved” by the inclusion of the walnuts. The
impact of the walnuts did not surprise Herbert Fremmit of the U.S. Walnut
Awareness Center in Washington, DC.</p>

<p>“Walnuts add crunchiness to the otherwise soft texture of a chicken
salad.” Peldsen was reportedly pleased by the added zest.</p>

<h1>Area Loner Dwells on Past</h1><strong>By<span>Cleveland
Kyler</span><time datetime=”””2014-05-03’’’”>May 3,
2014</time></strong>&gt;

<h2>Comments: 0 Social shares: 15</h2>

<p>Area loner Dave Roe will dwell on his past this Saturday, according to
sources close to the unemployed carpenter.</p>

<p>Roe, who lives alone, may reminisce on his better days as a member of
his high school band. According to family members, he once took a trip to
the state capitol with the band and enjoyed it very much.</p>

<h2>Other stories from around the Web:</h2>

<h2>Other stories from around the Web:</h2>

<h2><a href=
http://gawker.com/united-accidentally-gave-away-tickets-for-free-will-ho-1309664507”&gt;
</a>&lt;&lt;/h2&gt;United Accidentally Gave Away Tickets for Free, Will
Honor Mistake</h2>

<h2><a href=
http://www.theatlanticcities.com/technology/2013/09/whats-worse-oil-spill-molasses-spill/6884/&quot;”&gt;
</a>What’s Worse Than an Oil Spill? A Molasses Spill</h2>

<h2><a href=
http://www.buzzfeed.com/doubleday/17-reasons-why-fall-is-for-book-nerds-dfcuf”&gt;
</a>Reasons Why Fall Was Made For Reading/</h2>

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